I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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