I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
