Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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