Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
