i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
