The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
