Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
