When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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