if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
