We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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