I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
