We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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