anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
