You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
