Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
