I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
