Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
