i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
