i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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