I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize