he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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