im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
