Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
