my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize