Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
