I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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