Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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