Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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