if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
