My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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