she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
