do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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