she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
