I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
