Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
