I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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