Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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