someone threw a dead crab at me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
