I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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