apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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