dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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