Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
