I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
