I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
