she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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