If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
