Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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