Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize