I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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