Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
