dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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