Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
