How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wear drunk well.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
