I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
