Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
