Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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