I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
