I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize