Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
