I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
