I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
