so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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