Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
