You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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