I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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