Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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