how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
