I never want to see another naked old woman again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
