Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
