how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
